The (Surprisingly Short) Guide to Everything You Need to Know About…


Pg. 73-76

Let’s all face it, we all know someone (or are someone) who is a Whovian. What is a Whovian? Well, that, my friends, is why I am here.

A Whovian (hereby known as X) is someone who is obsessed with the sci-fi show known as Doctor Who.
Firstly, you must understand me, there is no way to “fix” someone of this obsession. Now say it with me, there is no fixing X. Good.


Now that we have that understood, we may get on with this guide. How to understand and interpret what X is trying to tell you. Here I have a basic translation that can help you understand X a little better … maybe.


Moffat is a troll: Okay, this is one of the most common. Moffat is one of the show’s writers, and a main cause as to why X’s favorite characters are now wiped of all memory or dead or so on and so forth. Just nod and agree.

Rory is Alive. Again: Rory is one of the favorite characters who Moffat (see above) keeps torturing. He also cannot stay dead. At all. For the life of him.

Still Not Ginger: The Doctor (an extraterrestrial who killed off his species and when dies, reincarnates in a way; the main, lovable character.) in each carnation can never get the hair color right.

Fish Fingers and Custard: The Doctor has odd eating habits, making X have some, as well. Just rush to the store and buy X some. Don’t question it.

BLANK is Cool: Bowties are cool. Fezzes are cool. Stetsons are cool.

Doctor Who was taken off of Netflix: Well, something along those lines, because, really, there is no understanding what was just said by X in their sobbing and gushing. Please, go buy all 9 seasons of Doctor Who without question. (And if you’re feeling generous, do the same with Old Who (see below).)

Time And Relevant Dimension In Space: A flying blue police box with a broken chameleon circuit.

There is a Gap Year Until Next Season, Now I’m Going to Take Go and Get Into a Show Called Sherlock: DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT let X get into Sherlock without the valuable knowledge that Moffat is, indeed, a troll. Heed my warning.


Now that we have the basics out of the way, let’s get into how to treat X.


If X pleasantly asks (or ties you to a kitchen chair and glue your eyes open … you know) to join them in re-watching Doctor Who, please join them. Than you will be reading this guide for different reason entirely.

When there is no ice cream in the fridge and X keeps on repeating “I don’t want to go,” just please, please do not break X. X is very fragile at this point, and you need to be gentle. Probably go and buy ice cream (and if they have Celiac Disease, than you may have to find a substitute) and kindly redirect them to their favorite episode.

Say you ask X about the show and X takes a deep breath and asks if they should start from the beginning, than always say yes. But buckle up, it’ll be a long ride home (both figuratively and literally … you know, whichever). There is over 50 years of history, and X’s little lungs are bigger than they seem. By the end, you’ll know how the Master is … now different, and how the Doctor only chooses young British lasses and (occasionally) their boyfriends to travel with him.

If X (who can be – and most likely is – an introvert) approaches you and tells you that BBC is holding auditions for the Doctor’s Companion (remember those young lasses?) and X says that they’re going to audition … despite having a heavy Arctic accent and having no acting skills whatsoever, just encourage them, than volunteer to watch Matt Smith’s Doctor Who run with X. (For distraction purposes.)

And for those of you who are outside of the British division, your X may take on a horrendous British accent. Don’t criticize … they all go through this phase.


Can you see a pattern starting to form? Well, I think that now you’re starting to get the gist. But now, if you ever need to distract X, or need to make them weep like a baby in public (hey, it’s useful), or you need to keep them from going to an audition (see above), or they’re just you’re average Sally Sparrow (“Sad is happy for deep people”), than please repeat these poems to them.


Demons run, when a good man goes to war

Night will fall and drown the sun

When a good man goes to war

Friendship dies and true love lies

Night will fall and dark will rise

When a good man goes to war

Demons run but count the cost

The battle is won but the child is lost

When a good man goes to war


How many tears did the Doctor cry?

A River

Enough to fill two Ponds

At least enough to water a Rose


Rose went away, so the Doctor is blue

Ask Donna, “Where’s the Doctor?”

She’ll say, “Doctor Who?”

Martha Jones left to earn a Ph.D.,

Because with the Doctor she could never be

Sarah Jane lived on after proper amends,

And K.9. was a good dog to the bitter end

Captain Jack said farewell, but to the Doctor unknown

His face he would see in that of Boe’s

The Ponds had their fun with the Raggedy Man,

But even their fun came to a saddening end

So ask me again,

Why is the TARDIS blue?

There’s a real sad man inside

With two hearts torn in two


One day I found a Rose,

It was special in its own way,

I took that Rose with me, until it wilted away.

Than I found a River,

With its rapids, rocky but swift,

The River lead me to a Powerful Pond,

Where my spirits, it did lift.

But my Pond disappeared into thin air,

And my River flows through time,

Now I have no River, Rose or Pond.

But don’t worry, I’l l be just fine.


I don’t want to go.



You may hear your little X chant something similar to this: Don’t blink, don’t forget, don’t breath, don’t think, well than what can I do?

Please, do not be alarmed. This is normal behavior for X.

Also, to keep X sane, do not repeat them. DO NOT REPEAT THEM. This will signal their, and in return, your, doom. Trust me.

It is also normal for X to disappear in their room (or where ever an electronic advice is available) for days on end with a tissue box in hand, and fish fingers and custard (see above) right next to them. Be calm, they are just preparing for that Doctor Who marathon.


So in the end, X is a very fragile flower (but not a Rose … never a Rose) that needs to be handled with utmost delicacy.


You know how two years ago X was the most calm and level-headed person that you’d ever met? And how now whenever X hears the words doctor, who, phone, blue, blink, etc., they turn into babbling little monsters?

Well, that’s the thing with this mystical, almost cult-like group called a “fandom.” I’m sorry, but they’re gone. Never coming back. You just might as well join them.


I hope that so far you’ve learned something about X, and if not, than I guess you’re just hopeless.